Why the new name?

After a few weeks of re-formatting and contemplating, I finally feel satisfied with my "new" blog.  And I am so excited about it!  A few nights ago my husband and I spent hours trying to figure out the right name.  We had both been thinking about new names on and off for weeks, but came up with nothing.  Finally, we decided to get serious and put our thinking caps on, rattling off name after name.  Some good. Some not so good.  It had to be clever, simple, and true to my personality.  Most importantly, it had to sum up the overarching theme I envisioned for this blog.  After what seemed like 20 hours of thinking, I felt defeated.  At one point I thought, "Who cares? It doesn't need a name!  It will be the no-name blog."  But finally, my wonderful husband stated -- like he had known all along -- "What about 'Pursuit of Imperfection?'" YES!  That's it!  Clever, simple, very me, and exactly what I want my blog to be about!  Ugh, why hadn't I thought of that!?  I just love the name!  Let me explain why it's so perfect.

Too often in life we strive for perfection, being disillusioned that perfection even exists.  We long for the perfect marriage, perfect children, perfect friendships, perfect house, perfect body...and so on.  It's exhausting!  Perfection does not exist because we live in a broken world.  The sooner we realize this and make peace with it, the better off we'll be.  Guess what? Steve and I fight!  My children misbehave.  I make mistakes as a parent.  I have crumbs on the floor as old as fossils. I have stretch marks and a muffin top.  Sure, all this stuff stinks, but it's life.

The good news?  In our mistakes and moments of failure we are being refined.  We are being molded into the person God intended us to be.  Ultimately into the image of Christ.  God uses our mistakes, failures, and even suffering to refine us.  I love the verses Psalm 66:10-12;

"For You, O God, have tested us; You have refined us as silver is refined.  You brought us into the net; You laid affliction on our backs.  You have caused men to ride over our heads; We went through fire and through water; But You brought us out to rich fulfillment."

Now, we can get into a deep theological discussion about whether God allows and/or brings about affliction in our life, but I think I'll save that for another night.  Either way, he takes the ugly moments and turns them into "rich fulfillment!"  How awesome is that!  This verse is dripping with hope!  We don't have to work our tails off to reach perfection, God does all the heavy lifting.  We just have to allow Him to work in our life  He is chiseling away at us, and while the chisel might hurt, the end product is beautiful.  I can read every parenting, marriage, and self-help book out there to try and perfect my life, but only God can do that.  So I am going to pursue God, not worldly perfection.  I'm going to embrace my imperfection and let God use it for His glory and ultimately for my eternal benefit.  So that's why the name is perfect.  Got it?! Good!  Phew, I'm glad I got that out of the way.

That said, I'm not sure how crumbs on the floor and stretch marks come into play.  Whatever, that's just my reality.  With the new name comes new ideas. I plan on sharing my passions, encouraging thoughts, new insights and fun ideas in a manner that's honest and authentic.  No facades here!  We're all in this life together, in all our glorious imperfections.

I do have one teeny-tiny request.  I created a poll on my blog as a means to get ideas for future posts.  Please take a moment, humor me, and answer the questions.  It will be fun to see the results!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, and I hope you enjoy the "new" blog as much as I do.  I can't wait to write!  Now if I could just find more time.

*Thank you to my husband for editing this post.  I'm sure it's the last thing you want to do at 11:15 at night, especially since you write and edit all day long.

End of the year recap and a lot of rambling.

I can't tell you how many times I have meant to write in the last few months, but with a new baby, Christmas right around the corner, and a never ending mountain of laundry to fold, time escapes me.  I don't even know where to start.  First I'll update you on William, since this blog seems to be filled with his on-going medical journey.  We met with a geneticist early in November and came away feeling very hopeful in coming closer to a diagnosis for William, but in actuality we aren't any closer.  We were hoping to proceed with a blood test for clinical exome sequencing, but the test costs way too much and our insurance doesn't cover it (don't get me started on that!) and the likely-hood of getting an answer was at best 20%.  Not a great return on such a high investment.  I hate that money and cost are a deciding factor in our decisions when it comes to William, but we have to be financially responsible or else we'll find ourselves living in my mother's basement.  No offense mom, but we really don't want that to happen.  So instead we are going to proceed with a muscle biopsy and possibly another MRI (his last MRI was at 6 months of age,)  We've been hesitant about the muscle biopsy for a few reasons.  One being that it's invasion, it involves being put under, and we have to travel for the procedure.  I sat down with his pediatrician (whom I LOVE and trust) and asked her what she would do if in our shoes, and without hesitation she said she would proceed.

This really is the only option at this point, other than just stopping, and I PRAY we get an answer.  He is an anomaly!  He isn't the typical kid with ataxia, and it makes diagnosing him seem impossible.  I can't tell you how many times I hear, "he's doing so good", "he's made so much improvement", "you can hardly tell." But that's not so much the case.  Yes, he has improved.  He can walk (granted he was almost 2 when he started to walk), he can walk up and down stairs (but not well for a four year old), he can speak full and complete sentences (but his articulation is lacking.)  I'm not trying to be negative but my mommy institution tells me there is something there that is hindering him.  The older he gets the more apparent it is.  There are a lot of things he should (hate that word) be doing.  Like pedaling a bike, getting himself dressed, walking without the assistance of the walls around him.  But damn, can that kid throw and catch a football!  Back to him being an anomaly!

His pediatrician, his PT, his neurologist, the geneticist all agree there is something there, going on behind the scenes that we can't see. They've all said it; he seems to have a neuromuscular disorder with a possibility of a central component, particularly a cerebellar dysfunction (in nutshell.)  Oh my gosh people, let me tell you, reading the reports from the geneticist and neurologist are headache inducing, but still so fascinating.  I really wish I could go back to my freshmen year in college and change my focus from legal mumbo jumbo to medical amaziness!  I'm actually thinking about going back to college (eeek), but that's another story for another day.  I'm not sure when the muscle biopsy and MRI will take place, probably in the next few months, we still have to figure out all the logistics. But in the mean time please pray that we get something out of this, a possible answer. I'm so tired of searching.  He's going to ask someday why he's different, and I want to give him an answer.  And I want him to be the next Elway, Steve Young, Payton, Brett Favre, Marino, Bradshaw, Brady, Russell Wilson etc etc.  I'm not going to let anything get in the way of my children's dreams.

Enough of William!!! (love him!) Let's talk Christmas and New Year!  So this year I did something big!  I let me children decorate the tree with the ornaments they wanted to use, AND I let them choose where to place said ornaments on the tree.  This is really hard for me.  I can be so anal retentive when it comes to things like this.  I want my tree to look symmetrical and pretty.  I don't like globs of ornaments in one spot, which kids seem to do.  But this year my tree is a mess of globs!  And I love it!  It's the best.  I have a huge stuffed moose ornament (its' hideous, but glorious at the same time,) and a very sparkly and blingin blue heart courtesy of Samantha.

The Moose!

(William's choice this year)

 But I love this time of year.  The lights, the tree, the smells, the yards of wrapping paper, the anticipation, the birth of our Savior (hello, huge deal!)  EVERYTHING!  Its the perfect time of year to reflect on the past, and hope in the future.  And we've done a lot of reflecting and we're doing a lot of hoping.  Samantha is growing so fast and learning so much, excuse me while I brag, but this girl is smart!  William cracks us up with his perfect one liners, and entertains us while he throws a perfect touchdown pass.  We are so blessed with our newest little man, Carter.

At 2 months

He loves his polar bear friend!

 His smiles make the crappy days seem brighter.  To think, we thought we were done at two kids.  He's amazing!  Our friends and family, who are our life nets.  We'd fall without them.  And I have to give my husband a shout out, because that man is a saint.  I'll never forget how much he did for me this year!  He washed out way too many puke buckets, sat in the ER and labor and delivery one too many times while I was pumped with fluids and anit-nausea meds, tried his very best to get Samantha ready for school while I was bed-ridden (February and March of this year are a blur) all while working.  He should win an award!

And I'm hopeful that this new year, 2015 (whoot whoot) will be....I don't know, better in some way.  I don't want to set myself up for disappointment, but I feel like things will settle, that there will be a new peace about things.  Life will always throw curve balls, but I feel more equipped for when those moments happen.  I'm not afraid anymore, no change that, I'm not as fearful.  Fear will always be part of my life, its just the way I think, but it doesn't have quite the grip on me as it has in the past.  Does that make any sense?  I feel as though I have babbled on and on.

Which brings me to my next point.  I started this blog after William was born, when I decide to take that plunge and become a stay at home mom.  Something I never thought I was going to be.  And since then its become mainly a place where I can blurt out my thoughts, unfiltered and authentic.  But I want it to be more.  More encouraging to readers, more useful.  So in the next few months I might try to revamp it. I don't know what it will become.  I hope to gather more followers, especially those who have children like William, the kids with disabilities, but have no diagnosis. I want to connect with people who seem dissatisfied with life as a stay at home parent, because lets face it, we get no credit for wiping butts, fixing boo-boos, cleaning up the 100th spill, playing hours of pretend -fill in the blank-.  Its rewarding but lacks recognition.  I want to speak to those who are on a budget but want to make their house and wardrobe a statement.  I want to encourage those parents who faithfully choose public school, even if it gets a bad rep.  I want to share my faith and encourage a deeper relationship with Christ.  Heck I might even share a recipe or two.  I'm no Pioneer Woman, but I've found a few kick ass recipes.  

And now for your viewing pleasure I will post some of my favorite Christmas ornaments

I spent a good portion of my childhood in Washington State, and I love the Pudget Sound area.  So many great memories.

 This is my favorite ornament!  My mom would hang it on our tree when we were little and place a little candy inside (yes, you can open and close the mailbox, AND put the red flag up and down!)  I know you're jealous right now!

 Just got these two precious ornaments this year!  One for me and one for Steve.  Yes, its corny I know!

 Not a fan of the homemade kind, but she's too cute!

 I love orange and I love snowflakes.

1.  Books are the very best!

 Ummm, still not a fan of the homemade kind, but I have to show my kids I value their handiwork.

 Nothing beats old-fashioned glass blown ornaments.  So classic and timeless.

Every year I let the kids pick out one new ornament, and someday when they move out they can take their ornaments with them.  This is one that Samantha picked out last year.  In the past she's picked out a tiara, and a rainbow icicle thing.  Enough said.

And nothing beats a good ol' glass round ornament!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

A quick update, including the name we choose for baby boy!

Holy moly, the last couple months have been crazy busy for our family.  Samantha finished up her kindergarten year, and with that came a field day at school and her kindergarten picnic.  I missed out on a lot of school activities this winter and spring because I was on my "death bed" and I am just so thankful that I had the energy to partake in her last days of kindergarten.  It was a blast seeing her interact with her classmates and teachers.  I must say I just love this school.  Everyone from the lunch and recess duties to her teacher to her principal are just amazing people.  You can tell they love and care for the kids.  Watching Samantha grow and learn this school year has just blown my mind.  The little stinker, can read beyond her grade level (yes, I'm bragging) and I have heard her read verses out of her Bible (her new favorite thing to do) and that isn't a "My first" or BOB book!  Super impressed with my little girl.  And relieved too.  I struggled with reading A LOT, and I did not want to see Samantha go through that.  Now we can just enjoy the dog days of summer!

And we most certainly have already enjoyed our summer vacation.  We started it off with a camping trip of epic proportion.  Five families, 10 adults and 15 children!  It was a blast.  Our children will most certainly remember this forever.  They had so much fun hiking around the woods close to the campsites, making smores, and just being kids.  I can't wait to go camping again.

We also spent 4 days at Flathead Lake playing with family and visiting friends, not to mention we got celebrate my best friends wedding!  And just today me and the kids came home from a trip to Billings to see my dad.  I can't say it was the most relaxing time, because William decided to act like a little terror the entire time.  This made for a very cranky momma.  And it was pure torture being at the winery for 2 full days unable to drink.  But, it was still good to see my dad and despite the fits, the kids had a great time and were reluctant to leave this morning.

So now we rest, for a bit.

Master William, has started physical therapy again, which is annoying, but needed.  He has not outgrown his hypotonia like many of the doctors thought.  When he was just 13 months old a Geneticist from Helena gave him the diagnosis of congenital benign hypotonia.  He figured that it might be caused by, get ready for this, an autosomal recessive cytochrome oxidase deficiency.  But to rule that out or discover it, a muscle biopsy would be needed.  At that time we ruled out the biopsy because we were hoping his hypotonia would normalize by age 2 or 3.  Well, he's almost 4 and still exhibits low muscle tone.  In January of 2013, we were given the okay to stop PT since at the time he was making a lot of progress, but in January of this year we decided to visit his PT for an evaluation.  Just to check up.  His PT was concerned that he hadn't made much progress in the year since we left.  Which we totally agree with.  So now we start the process of seeing specialists once again.  This time I'm thinking we need to do the muscle biopsy.  To me it seems like it would give us more answers than even another MRI or CAT scan.  Don't get me wrong, he is a very capable boy and he already shows a love and talent of all things sports related.  But as parents we'll do everything possible to help our little boy.

Okay, now that I made you read all that, I will finally tell you the name we chose for our little boy!  Some of you may already know, but thanks for not spilling the beans on Facebook. Okay, drum roll please.....

Coming this September, Carter Owen!

It took us awhile to find a name we both really liked.  For a while we really like Bradley, but the more we said the name out loud the less appealing it became.  We briefly thought about Hudson, Kendrick, David, Miles, Ryland, Jonah...just to name a few, but we finally settled on Carter.  And we just love the name.  I tried to find names by looking up meanings, but nothing popped out.  So unfortunately Carter's name means "one who uses a cart." Who knows maybe he'll own a famous little hotdog cart someday.  Let's hope not.  :)  Thanks for reading.

Half way there!!

We are expecting another baby later this fall and we couldn't be more excited.  However, a lot of the excitement was over shadowed by my severe morning sickness.  I was sick with all my other pregnancies, so I expected to be spending a lot of time with my head in the toilet, but I never expected to find myself in the hospital time after time.  Truth be told it took all the joy out of expecting another baby.  I felt so guilty and ungrateful especially since we lost a baby in November.  I have never in my life felt so sick.  I didn't want to see anyone, talk on the phone, snuggle my own children, or even look out the window.  I just wanted to survive.  I couldn't keep food or water down, and over a three week period I lost 14 pounds.  Because I was so dehydrated I went to the hospital 3 times to get an IV of fluids.  That would help for maybe a day, but then I would be right back where I started.  Finally when my doctor and I realized that I wasn't getting any better, and and in his own words stated that I was in a state of starvation, he admitted me into the hospital for 3 days.  That 3 day period was an answer to our prayers.

My body was able to get back on track and start retaining nutrients.  In the next weeks that followed I slowly regained my health and strength.  I couldn't have done it without the love and support of my friends and family.  My mom would come down on the weekends and watch the kids and clean our house so Steve could catch up on work.  My sister came over to help fold laundry.  My dad stocked my fridge with all sorts of drinks loaded with vitamins and electrolytes.  I had friends take William for the day so I could rest and recover.  But I have to give the biggest shout out to my husband.  He was amazing during all this. He was at my side at all times. He held my hand and hair while I threw up, he washed out my puke bucket without grimacing.  He even helped me take baths since I was too weak to wash my own hair. At one point he moved his office from the basement to the kitchen table so we could help keep an eye on William.  He sacrificed so much for me and he continues to help me along the way.  I'm blessed beyond measure.  My heart over flows with gratitude and love for this man!

Now that I am 21weeks the sickness has subsided  and I can start getting excited about the baby.  Not to mention I finally have the energy to visit with friends, go to the park, and play with my kids.  I'm looking forward to a summer full of camping, swimming, and road trips. This week we have an ultrasound with my doctor and as long as the baby corporates we'll find out if we're going to have a boy or girl! I can hardly wait!  Both Samantha and William are excited about the baby too.  They'll wrap their arms around my belly and give the baby hugs.  It's the sweetest thing ever.  Although William has on occasion laughed and mentioned "mama's fat tummy." Gotta love the honesty of a three and half year old.  And of course Samantha wants a baby sister and William wants a a baby brother.  Either way someone is going to be disappointed.  As for me and Steve, we don't have a preference.  We just want a happy, healthy baby. Again I just want to say thank you to everyone who has helped us during my first trimester.  For the text messages of encouragement, the prayers, the extra help with William, all of it.  I don't know how I would have survived without all the love that was poured out on me and my family.

Eucharisteo

Last summer me and a few friends started reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  I absolutely loved this book.  In writing this book Voskamp wanted to share how she experienced a life of gratitude in the midst of everyday life.  She posed the question, "What does a life of gratitude look like when your days are gritty, long, and sometimes dark? What is God providing here and now?"  Its so easy to focus on the bad when your days are filled with deadlines, whiny children, bills, martial spats, a messy house, car troubles...the list goes on and on.  And its so easy to forget all of the little blessings that make life so full and wonderful.

 Voskamp started a list of all the things she is thankful for (her goal was to reach one-thousand,) and in doing so she discovered a life she always wanted, a life of deep and lasting happiness.  While reading this book I decided I wanted to start my own journal, and so I began to list things I'm thankful for, with the same goal of reaching one-thousand.  In the beginning I was very diligent.  Whenever I saw or remembered something that made me smile, I would quickly jot it down in my journal. Here are a few examples.  No judgement okay?

2. Watching my children discover new things
13.  God's continuous forgiveness
33. A box of new crayons
36.  Washing the floors and wiping down counters (its weird I know)
44.  A letter from a friend
58.  The joy of finally catching a fish after a long day at the lake
73. Hearing Samantha read for the first time
142. Calculators, because I'm horrible at math
192.  Honest friendships - the ones where I can be candid, transparent and not feel judged.

    Over time though I let the hustle and bustle of a busy life over take me, and I forgot all about my journal.  It wasn't until just recently while I was purging all closets, shelves, cupboards (basically my entire house) that I came across my blue and white journal.  I flipped through the pages and read my notes of thanksgiving, my eucharisteo. For those of you unfamiliar with this word, it means to be grateful, give thanks, be thankful.  I forgot how good it felt to remember all these little blessings and happy memories.  So I sat down once again and begin to list off item after item that I was thankful for.  After about 20 minutes, I felt refreshed and at peace.  A wave of contentment and bliss seemed to wash over me.  Since then I have promised myself to make it a weekly habit.

 No matter how rough the day or week I make the effort to find things I am thankful for.  Some days its easy, other days I have to stretch my mind and think outside the box and look beyond today and into tomorrow.  It has done my soul so much good!  I have a deeper sense of happiness, less prone to snap at my children and husband, and I'm able to put things into perspective.  Things that used to bother me, don't have the same effect on me.  These are just some of the benefits I've seen since I started my journal.  Of course its not the perfect solution.  I still have moments of ingratitude and find myself wishing for things I don't have.  Hey, I am human after all.  I just want to challenge everyone who is reading this, to start a similar list.  I promise you'll see amazing results, and its fun too.  I'll leave you with a few more notes of thanksgiving, to hopefully inspire you and get your brain thinking along the lines of eucharisteo.

56.  A full glass of wine
69.  God's gift of creativity
86.  The sound of crickets in the summer time
92.  Giving a gift that you've put a lot of thought into
99.  Snuggling William after he wakes up from a nap
154.  Witnessing an elderly couple hold hands
248.  Samantha's moral character, she even corrects me when I'm wrong
267.  The smell of cilantro

Moving on from 2013 to 2014.

I realized after reading my last post that I sounded way more cynical than I intended.  I don't want to give people the wrong idea.  I'm not a gloomy person, in fact I like to think I'm a glass half full kind of person most of the time.  I guess what I was trying to get at is that 2013 presented itself with challenges that at times defeated me and got the best of me.  Through my experiences I've learned that I need to change my perspective and realize that everything always works out.  Sometimes not in the way you imagined, but God always works it out.

 "We know God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them" Romans 8:28

I'm very hopeful and excited to see what 2014 brings.  Over the last few months I've realized the importance of having an eternal perspective rather than a worldly perspective.  It seems I've done Bible study after Bible study that teaches this very thought and just now I finally truly get it.

"In His great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade.  This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by Gods power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the genuineness of your faith...May result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed...for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your soul." 1 Peter 1:3-9

That was a long couple verses to type, especially on the iPad, so excuse the dot dot dots, but I had to cut that one down :)

I want to make it my goal this year to remember our Heavenly inheritance He has provided, and that the trials we face will only mold and refine me into a better person. A person of stronger faith.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let your perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" James 1:2-4

These three verses really explain what I have learned and what I hope to keep with me through out 2014 and on.

On a lighter and fun note I thought I would list my top ten favorite moments of 2013 (in no particular order)

1. Camping - my dad was kind enough to give us his pop up camper to use this last summer, and we had a blast camping at different campgrounds with friends and family.
2. Samantha started kindergarten!  Its so fun to see her interact with her classmates and it's a joy to watch her knowledge grow.
3. Going to Victor ID/ Jackson WY to visit my best friend Kacey.  I love you and miss you!
4. Kacey getting engaged!  Couldn't be more happy!
5. Realizing we want to extend our family and add another crazy kid to our already crazy family.
6. This one is kind of weird; successfully potty training William.  Such a relief!
7. Having the best neighbors move in next door.  They have quickly become our great friends and their children are our children's best friends.
8. Receiving word that World Market is finally coming to Missoula.  This might possibly be Steve's nightmare.
9. Steve's new job that he started in February and has loved ever since. Plus he gets to work from home so me and the kids get to see him more, and he's always around when a spider needs to be put to death.
10. Surprising Steve on his birthday with a trip to Las Vegas.
11. (I know I said ten, but I can't leave this one out.) Being part of a Bible study that has not only taught me lots of Biblical truths and knowledge, but has produced amazing friendships that continue to encourage me and life me up.

Whew.  I'm done writing.  Happy New Year, again!

2014 is here, finally!!!

Yes it's true I have been anxiously awaiting 2014!  2013 was not the greatest year for me.  I'm no fool, I know that my life isn't going to drastically change as the ball drops in Time Square, but there is some comfort in thinking that a New year brings New changes, New adventure, New life, New values, you get the point. 2013 brought with it challenges I never thought I would experience.  I grew more insecure this year (that's a topic for another day), doubted myself as a capable wife and mother, and of course dealing with the loss of our baby.

And let me tell you these last weeks of 2013 were no piece of cake.  Christmas was strange this year.  It never felt like Christmas.  We put up the tree, decorated the house, I burned Christmas scented candles, listened to Christmas songs, bought way too much stuff (even though I vowed not too,) but try as I might I could not get in the Christmas mood.  Everything felt forced and fake.  I put on a happy face for my kids, but eventually that wore out too.  At one point I just went in our room at my in-law's house and cried.  I cried for our baby, I cried because I missed my side of the family, and I cried because I was mad that I was crying on Christmas day of all days.

It was at this point my sadness turned to anger.  In the next few days I was down right mean.  I feel sorry for anyone that I encountered on those days, especially my family.  It just so happens that Samantha's birthday is on the 27th, the pinnacle of my anger.  Every little thing set me off.  I felt like Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation.  I had these great expectations and wanted her Birthday to be perfect.  And when things weren't perfect I snapped, similar to Chevy Chase's character.  And get this, it happened in front of my in-laws!  If you're married you know the pressure of representing your best self in front of the in-laws.  Oops!  I feel like the loss of our baby keeps defining my moods.  One minute I'm sad, the next I'm pissed at the world.  Then the next day I'm totally fine and flowing with hope.  I've never felt so bi-polar in my life.  And it's exhausting!!!  

So what does this have to do with the New Year you ask?  To put it simply, this next year I am going to keep myself grounded in such a way that I don't allow my challenges to conquer me, instead I want  my challenges to mold me into a better person.  I want to love more deeply, forgive more easily, treat everyday as a gift, and relish these precious years with my children.  I know I'll always grieve the loss of our baby but I just don't want the grief to have such a hold on me.  I don't know if you can call this a New Year's Resolution?  I've never been keen on making them, but I guess this kind of is.  So Happy New Year everyone and GOOD-BYE 2013!  Its a New Year!