2014 is here, finally!!!

Yes it's true I have been anxiously awaiting 2014!  2013 was not the greatest year for me.  I'm no fool, I know that my life isn't going to drastically change as the ball drops in Time Square, but there is some comfort in thinking that a New year brings New changes, New adventure, New life, New values, you get the point. 2013 brought with it challenges I never thought I would experience.  I grew more insecure this year (that's a topic for another day), doubted myself as a capable wife and mother, and of course dealing with the loss of our baby.

And let me tell you these last weeks of 2013 were no piece of cake.  Christmas was strange this year.  It never felt like Christmas.  We put up the tree, decorated the house, I burned Christmas scented candles, listened to Christmas songs, bought way too much stuff (even though I vowed not too,) but try as I might I could not get in the Christmas mood.  Everything felt forced and fake.  I put on a happy face for my kids, but eventually that wore out too.  At one point I just went in our room at my in-law's house and cried.  I cried for our baby, I cried because I missed my side of the family, and I cried because I was mad that I was crying on Christmas day of all days.

It was at this point my sadness turned to anger.  In the next few days I was down right mean.  I feel sorry for anyone that I encountered on those days, especially my family.  It just so happens that Samantha's birthday is on the 27th, the pinnacle of my anger.  Every little thing set me off.  I felt like Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation.  I had these great expectations and wanted her Birthday to be perfect.  And when things weren't perfect I snapped, similar to Chevy Chase's character.  And get this, it happened in front of my in-laws!  If you're married you know the pressure of representing your best self in front of the in-laws.  Oops!  I feel like the loss of our baby keeps defining my moods.  One minute I'm sad, the next I'm pissed at the world.  Then the next day I'm totally fine and flowing with hope.  I've never felt so bi-polar in my life.  And it's exhausting!!!  

So what does this have to do with the New Year you ask?  To put it simply, this next year I am going to keep myself grounded in such a way that I don't allow my challenges to conquer me, instead I want  my challenges to mold me into a better person.  I want to love more deeply, forgive more easily, treat everyday as a gift, and relish these precious years with my children.  I know I'll always grieve the loss of our baby but I just don't want the grief to have such a hold on me.  I don't know if you can call this a New Year's Resolution?  I've never been keen on making them, but I guess this kind of is.  So Happy New Year everyone and GOOD-BYE 2013!  Its a New Year!