Dearest Blog, how I have missed thee!

Wow, this is embarrassing, I have completely neglected my blog!  Don't get me wrong, I've wanted more than anything to sit down and organize my muddled thoughts, but once the kids are in bed my mind usually turns off.  Well, it doesn't exactly turn off, because my mind seems to race a million miles a minute, but I tend to ignore it and find a book to read or a mindless show to watch.  But alas, I cannot ignore these thoughts any longer.  It actually feels really good to type something other than a status update on Facebook.  I should apologize ahead of time and warn you that this post will be full of random thoughts and no good transitions between those thoughts.  My English teachers would kill me for this!

William continues to make progress.  He can take about 5-8 steps before he falls down and his balance and coordination has also improved.  It's very encouraging, but I still have those times of doubt, frustration, and sadness.  For goodness sake he's 20 months old!  I know I shouldn't compare, but most kids his age are capable of walking anywhere.  In fact many of his peers can climb steps.  I promised myself I wouldn't compare, because I know that's not fair to him, but when you're surrounded by so many kids his age, its hard not too.  The closer he gets to 2, the harder it is.  We're so blessed though, we have a gal come to our house every other Monday from the Child Development Center (CDC) and she works with William and also helps us find other resources for William, at no cost!  She set up a speech evaluation for him next week (apparently children with Hypotonia are more likely to run into speech delays and impairments) and we are now able to go back to his original physical therapist, and that too will be covered under the CDC.  We feel very lucky and very blessed to have these resources available to William!

Samantha is growing up fast!  To think in a year we'll be registering her for kinder-garden!  I have mixed emotions for sure.  I am excited for her to go to school and meet other kids and learn about the world around her.  But at the same time, it means she's not a baby or a toddler anymore.  She won't spend her days with me, instead she'll be spending more time with her peers.  But, I know its the best thing for her.  She LOVES kids, she loves to play, and she loves to learn.  To be honest, sometimes I feel like an outsider.  I have a lot of friends who are either currently homeschooling or plan to home school, but I just know that's not for Sam, and it's not for me.  I can definitely see the benefits of homeschooling, but for our family the the benefits of public school outweigh  I'll definitely be very involved in her learning, and I'll probably turn into one of those annoying  parents that volunteer for everything.  I never thought of myself as a PTA mom, but it just might happen.  I know they'll be those kids and those teachers I don't like, but just like my parents, I'll be at my children's side the entire way making sure they are learning what they should be learning and being treated like they should be treated.

The last several months Steve and I have led two different book discussions at our church.  For those of you who don't attend Missoula Alliance Church, between the two services we have what's called connections.  Its basically a bunch of small book clubs (usually 10-12 people per book) with topics ranging from marriage, growing in faith, dealing with adversity, and raising children.  We've focused on the topic of children.  Both times we've really enjoyed meeting new people who attend MAC and each book has offered new and helpful insight.  However; I must say I was surprised to see how different everyone's ideas are.  Everyone has their own ideas of disciplining their child, educating their child, nurturing their children, sharing their faith, etc.  Of course, I'm not saying there is only one way to do each, in fact I have gained a lot of new insight and ideas from discussing these ideas.  The only problem I've ran into is sometimes it leaves room for judgement.  The last thing I want is someone to judge me or be the one judge others.  Judgment is an ugly ugly thing, usually resulting in hurt feelings and bitterness.  I should know, I've been judged and have also been guilty of judging others.  As my children get older I've noticed more of those "looks" from other parents whenever I have to discipline or not discipline my children.  I've seen the eye-rolls, or heard the huffs under their breath.  I'm sure I've been guilty of it too.  But it can hurt.  You start to wonder if you're doing something wrong and start doubting yourself as a parent. I feel like I've been judged with how I've dealt with some of Samantha's disobedience.  Either people make me feel like I've been too harsh or too easy on her.  I shouldn't feel like I am being criticized for the way I raise my children, but I do.

 Unfortunately, William does not make this any easier on me.  In the last month he has started to scream about everything and he hits objects or people in frustration.  We've tried everything!  Timeouts, spankings, flicks on the mouth, and ignoring him (the hardest of all.)  The lady from CDC recommended ignoring him, because she thinks he's doing it to get attention and when we spank him or give him timeouts, he's getting just that.  So instead we ignore the negative and over praise the positive.  And the crazy thing is, it's working.  But when we're out with friends, it's hard to ignore his behavior because I don't want them to think we don't care and we're lazy parents.  I know most of my friends understand me, but there are the few who give us silly looks.  I sometimes wonder how much of his temper tantrums have to do with the fact that he is limited in his mobility and he can't vocalize his needs as easily.  It's just a thought.

But lately I've realized that no one has the right to judge.  God knows what's in our hearts and He is the only one that is qualified to judge.  Steve and I know are children the best of all, and we know what works with them.  Every kid is different therefore every kid needs to be disciplined differently, even within the same family.  My mom had to discipline my sister and I differently.  My mom could look at my sister with the "scary mom look" and she would break down (so I've heard) and if my mom gave me that look I probably gave the look right back at her.  Its safe to say, I had a few more paddles on my butt.

I will say, in the last 6 months I've had a chance to really look at what works for our family and what doesn't.  I've made many mistakes, and I'm sure I'll make more, but I continue to learn everyday.  I feel like I've become a better parent (at least I hope so.)  Wow, I feel bad for all those first borns out there.  You really are guinea pigs!