2014 is here, finally!!!

Yes it's true I have been anxiously awaiting 2014!  2013 was not the greatest year for me.  I'm no fool, I know that my life isn't going to drastically change as the ball drops in Time Square, but there is some comfort in thinking that a New year brings New changes, New adventure, New life, New values, you get the point. 2013 brought with it challenges I never thought I would experience.  I grew more insecure this year (that's a topic for another day), doubted myself as a capable wife and mother, and of course dealing with the loss of our baby.

And let me tell you these last weeks of 2013 were no piece of cake.  Christmas was strange this year.  It never felt like Christmas.  We put up the tree, decorated the house, I burned Christmas scented candles, listened to Christmas songs, bought way too much stuff (even though I vowed not too,) but try as I might I could not get in the Christmas mood.  Everything felt forced and fake.  I put on a happy face for my kids, but eventually that wore out too.  At one point I just went in our room at my in-law's house and cried.  I cried for our baby, I cried because I missed my side of the family, and I cried because I was mad that I was crying on Christmas day of all days.

It was at this point my sadness turned to anger.  In the next few days I was down right mean.  I feel sorry for anyone that I encountered on those days, especially my family.  It just so happens that Samantha's birthday is on the 27th, the pinnacle of my anger.  Every little thing set me off.  I felt like Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation.  I had these great expectations and wanted her Birthday to be perfect.  And when things weren't perfect I snapped, similar to Chevy Chase's character.  And get this, it happened in front of my in-laws!  If you're married you know the pressure of representing your best self in front of the in-laws.  Oops!  I feel like the loss of our baby keeps defining my moods.  One minute I'm sad, the next I'm pissed at the world.  Then the next day I'm totally fine and flowing with hope.  I've never felt so bi-polar in my life.  And it's exhausting!!!  

So what does this have to do with the New Year you ask?  To put it simply, this next year I am going to keep myself grounded in such a way that I don't allow my challenges to conquer me, instead I want  my challenges to mold me into a better person.  I want to love more deeply, forgive more easily, treat everyday as a gift, and relish these precious years with my children.  I know I'll always grieve the loss of our baby but I just don't want the grief to have such a hold on me.  I don't know if you can call this a New Year's Resolution?  I've never been keen on making them, but I guess this kind of is.  So Happy New Year everyone and GOOD-BYE 2013!  Its a New Year!  

The unexpected

I almost forgot I had a blog until a couple weeks ago when my life was turned upside down.  Let me start at the beginning. This summer Steve and I made the surprising decision to have a third child.  For so long we were opposed to having more children. We felt content with our two children.  One girl, one boy, both healthy, despite William's low muscle tone, we all fit in our split level home, equal parent-child ratio, we all fit comfortably in our SUV, two children is more affordable than three, etc...

So why would we want to mess and complicate our "perfect" little world?  Well simply said, I knew in my heart I would someday regret not having another child, especially when all of our reasons to not have children seemed so self-centered. So there you have it, we decided at that point to start trying. And it didn't take long! Before I knew it I saw a big "yes" on my pregnancy test.  My hands starting shaking, my heart rate sky-rocketed, and all I could think was, "here we go again, I must be crazy!"

After the initial shock, my husband and I became excited.  We rattled off names we liked, we discussed future sleeping arrangements for the kids, I even bought William a shirt saying "Big Brother." Our plans were to announce the pregnancy to our family on Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, we lost our precious baby (I don't think I'll ever get used to say that.) That morning I woke up feeling light cramping on my left side and by mid-morning I was in extreme pain.  I felt sick, I was faint and feverish, and I just fell to the floor in pain. Thank God my husband works from home! He called my doctor who then told us to come into his office immediately.  My doctor did an ultrasound and it didn't take him long to confirm the worst. The baby was growing in my left Fallopian tube and it had ruptured causing internal bleeding. There was no chance in saving the baby.  Surgery was scheduled immediately for that day.  My heart was shattered.

Tears were streaming down my face, and I looked over at my husband who looked white as a ghost and he too was crying.  I quickly told him, I needed him to keep it together.  That was probably the most selfish thing I could say, but I needed one of us to stay strong while we walked down the hall to register for surgery.  And one of us had to be strong enough to call our family.  This is what kills me. We were so excited to tell everyone our good and surprising news, we never imagined this is how they would find out.

Everything, from the registration, to being wheeled into surgery, to waking up in an unfamiliar room, seems like a foggy dream, or nightmare rather.  The surgery went as good as can expected and I was able to go home that night.  All I wanted to do was cry, but because of the surgery it physically hurt to cry, so I just repressed those emotions.  The house was so lonely.  The kids were at my moms house and we had no baby to dream about.  Now began the long road to recovery both physically and emotionally.

Thankfully I have the most amazing and supportive family and friends. My mom watched the kids until Friday and cooked Thanksgiving dinner for us on Friday.  I was given flowers and cards. Prayers were being said.  And my Bible study ladies, who are some of the worlds most amazing women, set up meals for me and my family for the following week.  That in itself was a huge blessing.  Not having to stress over grocery shopping and cooking gave me the time to rest and heal.  I also have the worlds best husband.  He was at my side at all times.  He pretty much did all the housework for over a week, he got the kids ready in the morning, and got the kids ready for bed.  He was there for me when I needed to cry, and he gave me space when I needed time alone.  There are no words to describe my gratitude and thanks for these individuals.  I love them all so dearly.

Now that the pain has subsided, I have to deal with the reality of losing my baby.  I have good days and I have bad days.  The wave of grief comes unexpectedly and without warning.  I'm angry that God would even allow me to get pregnant, get all excited, and then lose the baby.  To be honest, it feels like the worlds worst joke.  I've heard the saying, and even said it myself, "things happen for a reason", or "God's plans are perfect, He'll give you comfort..." But at the moment none of these give me comfort or peace.  I'm fearful, more than anything.  I'm afraid I'll never get pregnant again, or if I do it will be another ectopic pregnancy.  After years of wondering whether we want more children, was that our only chance?  I pray it wasn't.  I know I sound cynical.  I'm sure after sometime I'll come to terms with all that happened, and that peace will come to me.

I know there will be a day when I meet this little angel of mine.  In the mean time, I am going to pour out my love on my family and my friends.  I hope someday I can repay all the kindness that was given to me.  I have an angel in heaven, but I also have a group of angels here on earth, and I couldn't be more blessed.